Pictures

I think I photoshop my pictures too much. I spent about an hour on this one.

Before


After

idc

I want a child. I want to have someone loving me unconditionally, someone to take care of, someone to call my own and have them be my own. I'd like to have someone to tuck into bed every night with a neat kiss on the cheek. Someone to nurture and raise as my own. Someone to pack a lunch for and cry as they leave through the door for kindergarten then soon college. Someone that comes running for a band-aid and a kiss when they fall down.

Fuck.

_I want to hang out with someone, but I don't have anyone. Trista is at her father's house today and she might want me to go over there but I hate going there. I hate sitting there watching the fucking discovery channel for hours on end. I hate sitting in a tiny box, with claustrophobia slowly setting in. I hate sitting in awkward silence waiting for another attempt at small talk. I hate sitting there all evening bored out of my skull.
_I don't think this is going to work much longer.

Truth and Lies

__Ok so, I think I'm going to tell my parents soon. I feel like I have to, I feel like they don't even know me anymore. They know nothing about my social life, my mild stoner side, or my sexual preference. I feel like a stranger in my own house, someone who comes over, visits for a while, eats, sleeps then disappears again.
I don't know what I'm going to tell them though. I think if me and Matt go out then I might tell them. But if not, I'll keep my trap shut. I think that's all I'll tell then for the time being though. I'm pretty sure they would kill me if they knew about the blazing, so I'll tell them when I'm older.
__I'm not really sure what to do with the whole Matt thing though, he's does want to go out, just he's leaving in a month and doesn't really want to get into a relationship and stuff. Plus he's afraid of what the other people in the house will do if he does start going out with a guy. And he's afraid of the repercussions if it leaks into his real life and if his parents and church find out. I want to go out with him, but I don't want to ruin his life. If his church were to find out, then they'll excommunicate him, and he really likes going to youth group and seeing the kids and stuff. It's like all he talks about. I really don't want to wreck that for him.
__I guess that's all I have to blog about this evening.

Touchdown Turnaround

Oh yeah, catching up on the first blog there, the stairs are still in need of a scrub. And the walls are still in need of a white wash. But I have friends over all the time, so s'all good.
I still think the walls look cool.

Day Dreams

Have you ever been day dreaming, and felt like you were in some completely different place?? I have, it happens quite frequently. I don't really know what to call it, but when it happens I lose track of all time and space and everything seems surreal. Sometimes at night when its really late it happens. If someone is walking around upstairs I imagine I'm up there too, sitting in my chair at the table watching what they're doing. The last time I did this, my mom was in the kitchen. When I was still in my room, I was watching her make a roast beef and cheese bun-wich for my brother's lunch the next day. And when I snapped out of it, I ran upstairs to see what she was doing, and she was wrapping a roast beef and cheese bun-wich for my brother. It was quite odd, really. This happens quite often actually. Lately when it happens in Social Studies, I dream I'm in a mall somewhere, I'm not really sure where, but it looks like the mall in Kamloops but bigger. I don't know anyone there, and all I do is sit on a bench and watch the people go by. It feels like I sit there and watch for an hour, but when I 'get back' to socials, I was only 'gone' for 10 minutes. I don't really know what's going on here, but I kinda like it. I wish I could control it more.
Maybe I'll look into it.

Haha

I need to post on here more often... Maybe I'll start... Didn't I say that shortly after making this account??